Month: December 2017

Desert Sun

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My desert sun

I’m sorry I was gone for so long

I didn’t mean to hurt you

And leave high and dry

But It’s easier to hide in the snow

Easier to write

Easier to hang up the phone

Easier to hide from you

The you that sees me when I’m in pain

As clothes make me sweat in the

desert sun

However, in the snow I can hide under layers of protection

Protecting me from the evils in my mind

Protecting me from my old heartache

Protecting me from issues I tired to leave in the desert, but followed me to the snow

However, as the snow melted in the desert sun, I am left to face and shed my layers

Answering questions I tried to avoid

Seeing faces similar to mine

And visiting the sun rays of the desert that I forever missed, but avoid seeing

It may have been months, but you, the desert sun, can always center me and remind of the dirt, cacti, and mountains I come from.

It’s you, the desert the sun, that remind me the dirt in the snow ain’t shit.

That I can be my own desert sun if I stop and breathe the memory and feels of you.

That the mystical power of the desert sun pushes me forward and beyond the icy streets that I love, but are only the branches that grow from your roots

My desert sun

2018 Goals That I’m Making Public So I’m Held Accountable

/ Maria Konopken / 2 Comments

Well…2017 was on of the hardest years of my life.

I had a lot of positive things happen like Matt Damon Improv, Sketch Shows, Running, LatinX, creating and producing art, seeing the Backstreet Boys and creating a beautiful family. I had a lot of awful things happen like being laid off, another job not working out, 45, microaggressions, a break up, mental health issues, and a few other things I’ve blocked out, but will come out in therapy.

For those who’ve stuck around, I am so thankful you did; especially when I didn’t want to be around myself or anyone. I am still a work in progress, and while everyone makes resolutions, I am out here in 2018 making goals- 18 of them. Goals, measurable goals, are easier to accomplish than resolutions that give off a January only type of feel. With these goals, and anything I am doing, if it doesn’t fulfill me mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually, then I don’t want to do it.

Here are those 18 Goals

  1. Post at least once a week on my blog
  2. Run 6 races; including a marathon!
  3. Read 12 books
  4. Run 730 Miles
  5. Increase fluency in Spanish
  6. Perform a one-woman show
  7. Learn the guitar
  8. Reach goal weight
  9. Learn to ride a bike
  10. Visit three new places
  11. Practice self-care every day (meditations, bubble baths, affirmations)
  12. Work-out 4-5 times a week
  13. Find a source of income that makes me happy
  14. Find a partner that makes me happy and encourages me, but is not my whole world. Just a part of it.
  15. Declutter my home/lie
  16. Complete two notebooks of poems/short stories
  17. Volunteer at least once a month with charities that appeal to women and/or POCs/WOCs
  18. Kiss as the snow falls

Here’s to 2018.

 

So I signed up for the 2018 Chicago Marathon…

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

I did a thing this morning. I signed up for the 2018 Chicago Marathon! I will be running to raise money for Girls on the Run (you can donate here) and I also feel like I am going to throw up. It’s not because this is my first marathon. I ran my first one 5 years ago when I was 26 and 2 months. For all my non-running nerds out there that’s 26.2 miles- the distance of a marathon. After that race, I said I would never do it again. So I lied.

When I signed up for the lottery,  I said I won’t do it if I don’t get picked. So when I didn’t get picked, I was like this is a sign. And I didn’t get picked. But the universe has different plans for me, and here I am signing up to raise money. So why do it five years later? Because I can. Honestly, we can all change our mind and every year I watch the marathon, but this year is the first where I am like I should do this.

BUT I feel like throwing up because I can barely run a mile now. Yes, I run nearly everyday, but when I did my first marathon, I was already in great shape and running.  So why do what seems to be the impossible? Because I can. I got 16 more days until the fire year of 2017 is over, and I survived being losing a job, losing my health, and depression. 2018 has got to be better and I am going to make it so.

If I just keep repeating because I can, then maybe I’ll do. And If I do, I can then say I did.

You can help me run by donating directly to may page at http://bit.ly/mskmarathon

 

 

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Supporting Actress

/ Maria Konopken / 2 Comments

As I try to move on?

My stomach still does flips when I see a picture of you.

As much as I wished you didn’t look good in that blue shirt…

Ooo honey I want to go swimming in that shirt and you.

But as you lay confused in the middle of the road, I try to move on, as I do not have time to wait and hope you get it together.

By you not making a decision, you are making the choice to lose me instead of exploring what could be amazing.

As I try to get over you.

The anticipation that I might see you builds, and then is met with relief and disappointment when you’re not there.

I really don’t know how to act around you as one part of me wants to be your friend, but the other part wants to rip your clothes off in the middle of this room

As I try to get over you.

My heart breaks moment by moment

Piece by piece

As I realize my feelings ran or run deeper than the river you wrote about in that note to me.

I am left wondering, why not me?

What was it about me?

But maybe it wasn’t me.

It was you

As I leave and pack up the space where our feelings were kept,I break down and cry

Wishing this journey didn’t end with a fork in the middle of it where I had to decide to leave the possibility of the greatness of you and I for the reality that may never be me that you choose once you get it together.

I am more than a supporting actress in your rom com.

I am directing my own life movie

And right now you are being recast.

As I try to get over you.