I had the pleasure of performing this piece on Mother’s Day for my mom. I can’t explain all the ways she means to me, but here’s a start.
And in that moment,
I knew everything changed
A “one time thing”
Would lead to patterns of more
If I let it.
That my voice would continued to be silenced if I continued my pattern.
I decided to let go
As being selfish was needed
As the ultimate act of self care.
I miss you most on rainy days
As the rain washes away all
I sometimes wish your soul was who I thought you actually were.
Perhaps it would hurt less to know that you believed you made a mistake instead of blaming me.
Maybe then I would stop thinking about you as often.
It hit me on my walk home tonight
That I’m chasing a ghost of who
I would like you to be
But not how you are.
I’m chasing a hope of potential
And not the reality that is you now
And while love is worth taking a risk on
I worry the risk and reward won’t match
That you have such a hard bar to jump
Over the bar I set
That you’ll never reach it
I don’t know if anyone could
For I put expectations on you
That you are not aware ever existed
No wonder you disappoint me.
You never had a chance.
I release you into the wild
With only but our memories remain
I am sorry I couldn’t be the pedestal
In which you thought I owned
But I am sorry you never got to know the real me.
In case you needed a reminder
Let me make it clear
I will not be silence
I am not a supporting actress
I am not your toy
And I am not your puppet
If I ever gave you that impression or the feel that you had such power
Then please understand the following
I am the author
And director of my own story
You opinions do not help, make me better, or smooth my anxiety
They instead cause damage
And while you think you are stopping hate
You are only spreading it like smooth peanut butter on some dry ass toast
You are not worth adding wrinkles to my head or causing tears to fall from my eyes.
And you do not pay rent to occupy my mind.
And if you wanted to, you can’t afford me.
While you try to silence me
And others with differing opinions
Let me make it clear
You would be lucky if you’re even a footnote in my life story