poetry

If I Choose to Love You

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

If I choose to love you

I would be making the worse choice of my life.

I would choose to one day have you hurt me

Leave me for someone new

Break my heart a part

To a jigsaw puzzle that can never be put together…

Even with glue

You would take me away from my hopes and dreams

And ruin me forever

And yes forever, forever

My love would be the most damaged

As I would be forever in ICU waiting for your breathe to become mine.

If I choose to love you.

If I choose to love you.

I would be making the best choice of my life.

We could be birds together

Not like some dumb pigeons, but like some badass eagles that sour at all hours

We could dance like the whole world is watching, but it’s only us.

We’d stare at skylines and stars and wonder what life might be like

Our children would hopefully have your eyes and flow

But my hair and personality…

Wait maybe your personality because I don’t know if I could handle another me like you can.

I would wake up next to you

And kiss you in the middle of the night.

My favorite moments of each day would be to laugh with you

And say damn at all the moments.

I would love you at your most damaged.

And your breathe would become mine.

If I choose to love you.

The funny thing is…you don’t get to choose who you love.

For timing is always off

As love isn’t on time and probably running on CP time.

And love is never when you want it.

If love was a choice, I wouldn’t choose to love you as you’re so difficult

I could choose an easy love.

One I never worried or wished you got your shit together.

As my love for you isn’t something I can stop or choose to start.

As it hurts worse than the time I broke my hand on a mountain

Every time I see the light or it maybe having smooth sailing.

Loving you would never be easy, but maybe I love you as the worst and best of it all.

But what I can choose is me

And whether I want you a part of me.

Snapshot of Heartbreak Told in 5 Parts

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

Part 1

And in that moment,
I knew everything changed
A “one time thing”
Would lead to patterns of more
If I let it.
That my voice would continued to be silenced if I continued my pattern.
I decided to let go
As being selfish was needed
As the ultimate act of self care.

Part 2

I miss you most on rainy days
As the rain washes away all
Except you.

Part 3

I sometimes wish your soul was who I thought you actually were.
Perhaps it would hurt less to know that you believed you made a mistake instead of blaming me.
Maybe then I would stop thinking about you as often.

Part 4

It hit me on my walk home tonight
That I’m chasing a ghost of who
I would like you to be
But not how you are.
I’m chasing a hope of potential
And not the reality that is you now
And while love is worth taking a risk on
I worry the risk and reward won’t match
That you have such a hard bar to jump
Over the bar I set
That you’ll never reach it
I don’t know if anyone could
For I put expectations on you
That you are not aware ever existed
No wonder you disappoint me.
You never had a chance.

Part 5

I release you into the wild
With only but our memories remain
I am sorry I couldn’t be the pedestal
In which you thought I owned
But I am sorry you never got to know the real me.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

/ Maria Konopken / 1 Comment

In case you needed a reminder

Let me make it clear

I will not be silence

I am not a supporting actress

I am not your toy

And I am not your puppet

If I ever gave you that impression or the feel that you had such power

Then please understand the following

I am the author

Producer

And director of my own story

You opinions do not help, make me better, or smooth my anxiety

They instead cause damage

Build walls

And while you think you are stopping hate

You are only spreading it like smooth peanut butter on some dry ass toast

You are not worth adding wrinkles to my head or causing tears to fall from my eyes.

And you do not pay rent to occupy my mind.

And if you wanted to, you can’t afford me.

While you try to silence me

And others with differing opinions

Let me make it clear

You would be lucky if you’re even a footnote in my life story

Chicago Weather

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My love for you is unpredictable as Chicago weather.

Sometimes I look forward to seeing you, and sometimes I can’t wait to move away.

I talk about you like summer as the best thing, but then get mad when you repeat the same blizzard year after year.

I remember the good times of Super Bowls and Championships.

But forget the 108 years of heartache.

I eat you up like pizza and Garret’s popcorn.

But hate that you never put spices on anything. Like ever.

I wish I could always run on the lake path of your heart.

Instead of fearing that I’ll slip on black ice.

I should probably move to LA, but LA doesn’t have your heart and spirit.

LA is too predictable.

And maybe I like Chicago weather.

The Minority

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

I wish she wasn’t a trigger

I wish every time I saw her I don’t imagine her death

I wish I could I admit that I was in love with you

Instead of high five you for your latest conquest

I wish you choose me…every time

And not only because I’m present

I wish Father Time stopped playing games

I wish we stopped playing games.

I hate that I love you

And that I compare every man to you.

I hate being in love with the idea of you

Instead of the actual you.

I hate that you don’t have your shit together

I wish you had your shit together

I wish when you do, that you’ll choose me

I hate that I know you won’t

And that you’ll choose another her

That her type is the prize

And that I’ll never be.

The Affair

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

And when our lips touched

I knew it was over

Over being faithful

Over saying he is the only one

Over saying to him, do you trust me?

Because in this moment

In the moment of electronic fire

I no longer belonged to him

Because my arms wrapped around your neck say you are now mine.

Even for this moment.

As we both know these few days belong to us and us alone, but the minute 8am hits on Monday, you are back on a plane and I am here

Here with the smell of your cologne

Mixed with coconut oil sweat still on my pillow and my body.

We wouldn’t work in the real world

We say as a way to protect our hearts that live close by while our bodies live far.

But for a weekend, your body is pressed against mine and I can hear your heartbeat.

It makes the sound of a 90s r&b love song

And when I forget the words, you are here right now for me to listen instead of imagine what it might be.

I kiss your chest to remix the song and you pull my chin up.

I love you you say.

Your lips

The softness of your skin

The beautiful soul that makes me a better man you say.

Your soul makes me complete I want to say.

I want to say leave your home, and we can create one filled with butterflies and orange trees.

I know they don’t grow in the city, but with you anything is possible.

I kiss you with a mascara tear rolling down my face.

A tear full of happiness, sadness, and my love for you.

I want to take a video of this moment and play it over and over instead of the memory I may remember of this and the memory of you leaving.

As the moment you leave, the dream we built becomes a fantasy

And then it’s truly over.

For I am left with but a memory of the insecurity of us.

Setting the Bar

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

It hit me on my walk home tonight

That I’m chasing a ghost of who

I would like you to be

But not how you are

I’m chasing a hope of potential

And not the reality that is you now

And while Love is worth taking a risk on

I worry the risk and reward won’t match

That you have such a hard bar to jump

Over the bar I set

That you’ll never reach it

I don’t know if anyone could

For I put expectations on you

That you are not aware ever existed

No wonder you disappoint me.

You never had a chance.

Loud Noises

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

So Many Voices

Getting louder and louder

Loud Noises

Trying to rise above

Forgetting that we are people

Forgetting that we are more than what is on a census

Forgetting that they are not an expert in everything

Scream with voice

Scream as they type

Scream with their fist in the air

But silent when they see or feel microaggressions

Silent when their fellow person needs help when their voice has been silence

Silent when comes to doing the work

But are the first to speak up when they have no part in the conversation

Instead of listening to those that live it

With different experiences

Different thoughts

And different motivators

Not able to admit when they don’t know everything

Not able to admit that this is not their experience

Not able to admit when they are wrong

That although they may be oppressed as well, their oppression is different

We are not all the “American Boy” prototype

With Khaki pants and a polo shirt for sure

However their differences and mine and your differences do not make us the experts in understanding all

But as the loud noises

get louder and louder

They continue to believe they are like

Clarissa and know it all

Instead of working to understand

Instead of working to silent

And instead of working to listen

They choose to scream to prove a point that is already gone

And click and tap and push on their hate and insecurities to flame a gaslight

Loud noises

Getting louder and louder

But say nothing

My Shield

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

When I step on the scale
I try to play tricks
If I stand on one foot
If I stand on the side

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll weigh less
Maybe, just maybe, that number will validate me
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel better

About the shield of a body that has few protective layers
Layers that make it the strongest, yet weakest
This imperfectly, perfect body of mine

This layer for when I was bigger than all the girls in my class
This layer for when I wasn’t Mexican or White enough to sit or play with you
This layer for when my boyfriend didn’t take no for an answer
And I confused it for love
And this layer for the self-hate I tell myself in my darkest moments
Yet, smile through

It’s a shield that brings people in, but stops them from getting too close
But then gets mad when the boy I’m dating stops calling, gets engaged, and has a baby by a woman out of no where

It’s the loneliest of shields
But sometimes it can be the best of shields
This imperfectly, perfect body of mine

I’ll never not be the bigger girl
But I got hair and body that many pay millions to a plastic surgeon for
The scars on my knee from two knee surgery
Show my warrior spirit
The nose I got from the Queen of my Nana, that I once called a witch nose
Show the spirts that guide me

And this butt of mine
I’ll sometimes catch it in a mirror and ask myself
“Girl, have you been doing squats?”

The shield of my body
Has a few colorful layers
That make it weak and strong

This layer can talk to anyone
This layer loves the sound of her feet when she runs
This layer got herself a Masters degree
This layer moved across the country with a home or a job for the dream of laughs

My shield, while dented and imperfectly perfect, is the only shield I got
And while I’ll pick and tear it a part
Shows my journey more than any number on scale will

This shield of mine has protective and color layers
Imperfectly, Perfect
Strong and weak

This shield is me.

 

 

Desert Sun

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My desert sun

I’m sorry I was gone for so long

I didn’t mean to hurt you

And leave high and dry

But It’s easier to hide in the snow

Easier to write

Easier to hang up the phone

Easier to hide from you

The you that sees me when I’m in pain

As clothes make me sweat in the

desert sun

However, in the snow I can hide under layers of protection

Protecting me from the evils in my mind

Protecting me from my old heartache

Protecting me from issues I tired to leave in the desert, but followed me to the snow

However, as the snow melted in the desert sun, I am left to face and shed my layers

Answering questions I tried to avoid

Seeing faces similar to mine

And visiting the sun rays of the desert that I forever missed, but avoid seeing

It may have been months, but you, the desert sun, can always center me and remind of the dirt, cacti, and mountains I come from.

It’s you, the desert the sun, that remind me the dirt in the snow ain’t shit.

That I can be my own desert sun if I stop and breathe the memory and feels of you.

That the mystical power of the desert sun pushes me forward and beyond the icy streets that I love, but are only the branches that grow from your roots

My desert sun