Loud Noises

So Many Voices

Getting louder and louder

Loud Noises

Trying to rise above

Forgetting that we are people

Forgetting that we are more than what is on a census

Forgetting that they are not an expert in everything

Scream with voice

Scream as they type

Scream with their fist in the air

But silent when they see or feel microaggressions

Silent when their fellow person needs help when their voice has been silence

Silent when comes to doing the work

But are the first to speak up when they have no part in the conversation

Instead of listening to those that live it

With different experiences

Different thoughts

And different motivators

Not able to admit when they don’t know everything

Not able to admit that this is not their experience

Not able to admit when they are wrong

That although they may be oppressed as well, their oppression is different

We are not all the “American Boy” prototype

With Khaki pants and a polo shirt for sure

However their differences and mine and your differences do not make us the experts in understanding all

But as the loud noises

get louder and louder

They continue to believe they are like

Clarissa and know it all

Instead of working to understand

Instead of working to silent

And instead of working to listen

They choose to scream to prove a point that is already gone

And click and tap and push on their hate and insecurities to flame a gaslight

Loud noises

Getting louder and louder

But say nothing

Finding Your Tribe

Growing up, I thought I was the weird one.

At the time, mixed children were not in style, and I didn’t know many. For a lot of my friends I was the darkest or the lightest person they knew. Growing up, people would ask fun questions like which part of your body is white and which part is Mexican ? Why do you have both a menorah and Christmas tree in your house? And where is your mom’s family from. To which I would want to answer:

1) None that you’re going to see

2) Because we like presents

3) California! Damn. But also Guadalajara. But most are legal. My dad’s family are the illegal immigrants. You think Konopken is a real last name? Chances are high they made it up so to not be caught! I have no proof, but anyways.

However, I didn’t answer any of those questions like I would imagine. In reality, I was the curly hair, Coke bottle glasses, and curvy girl who wanted to fit in so bad with my white friends. But also I wanted my skin a little darker and my valley girl accent to be less when hanging with my brown friends. It brought up feelings of not being enough for anything or any body. Not even myself.

After a while, you learn to adapt by not talking about it, putting your head down, and out working, out shining, and out doing those feelings. That by doing so, maybe they’ll look past my differences. Of course we live in America so why I’ve always worked twice as hard, the result is always half as much for women of color.

With all this, I kept a lot of things bottled up. My eating disorder, whom I was dating, being sexual, loneliness, mental illness to name a few. You wouldn’t have known because I’m an extrovert. I love being around people and experiencing life. However, I didn’t really like being alone because then I would have to hang out with myself and deal with all of this.

When I tried talking to other people about why it stung so much more that my boyfriend is now dating a very white girl, they didn’t understand or didn’t see why. So why am I going to talk about it or anything?

As I said before, you learn to adapt and move on. That you’ll be good wherever you are. And then two years ago, I did a show at Under The Gun that would not only change my creative career, but my life. Allison Reese produced a 6pm Sunday night show called Bits Welcomed. I told a story about destroying a car in Australia and possible hitting a kangaroo.

After the show, I went to get pizza with Allison and she started talking about this show she was doing later that night called Matt Damon Improv. She mentioned that it was a show of all women of color and one white dude that could only repeat words that have already been said. In my head, I was like I want to be a part of this. Maybe she’ll ask me. Allison ask me I am right here!

Allison continued talking about this show and how it would be a one off, maybe a few months. When I saw a break in the conversation I said well if you ever need anyone to play, I would love to. So I got to perform with Matt Damon Improv that night in our first show and many shows there after.

And the shows are great. I love them. However, the shows are secondary to what these women mean to me. They helped and made me laugh me through my anxiety and depression breakdowns including coming to my apartment, picking out clothes so I could make it to shows, eating a lot of food, dancing to dumb songs we’ve made up, self care nights, heartbreaks, and sharing our feelings over bad techno music. They are everything I never knew I needed. They allow me to share without judgement. They allowed me for the first time in years to be proud and happy with who I am. They allowed me to find my voice. They allowed me to be me.

It’s the other 23 hours and 20 minutes that off stage that I love the most. And I hope you one day find people and your tribe.

Supporting Actress

As I try to move on?

My stomach still does flips when I see a picture of you.

As much as I wished you didn’t look good in that blue shirt…

Ooo honey I want to go swimming in that shirt and you.

But as you lay confused in the middle of the road, I try to move on, as I do not have time to wait and hope you get it together.

By you not making a decision, you are making the choice to lose me instead of exploring what could be amazing.

As I try to get over you.

The anticipation that I might see you builds, and then is met with relief and disappointment when you’re not there.

I really don’t know how to act around you as one part of me wants to be your friend, but the other part wants to rip your clothes off in the middle of this room

As I try to get over you.

My heart breaks moment by moment

Piece by piece

As I realize my feelings ran or run deeper than the river you wrote about in that note to me.

I am left wondering, why not me?

What was it about me?

But maybe it wasn’t me.

It was you

As I leave and pack up the space where our feelings were kept,I break down and cry

Wishing this journey didn’t end with a fork in the middle of it where I had to decide to leave the possibility of the greatness of you and I for the reality that may never be me that you choose once you get it together.

I am more than a supporting actress in your rom com.

I am directing my own life movie

And right now you are being recast.

As I try to get over you.

Moments That Change You

About this time every year I think of where I was in 2011. Just got out of a bad relationship, dealing with the deaths of my grandfather, dog, uncle and graduating grad school. A lot of events happened in 2011 that I honestly block out, and it wasn’t until recently do I recall those moments.One big one would change my life. A beautiful soul named Jose came to teach a corporate improv workshop at my job. It was my first real job, and while some of my coworkers were not into what was happening, I was like this is cool let’s try it. And with this moment, the next 6 years led me to Chicago and improv.
Improv has changed me for the better. It allowed me to explore my art, and has allowed me to meet people I didn’t know I wanted, but needed. On my way home tonight, I wondered what my life would have been without that moment and I don’t know. I probably wouldn’t be in Chicago. Maybe married. Maybe a mom. Probably a director position in corporate America. All beautiful goals and things, but feel I would be mostly tired and searching for meaning around something I wasn’t passionate about. 
With improv, it’s opened doors for me to explore other forms of art like storytelling, poetry, and writing. It’s given me positions like directing I never thought I would do. While I’m not making a living with my art at this time, in the last year I’ve been looking at ways that it can go in that direction and help people. 
Improv has also brought me my Chicago artist community and friends. I spent many years wondering what was wrong with me. Meeting them, I know I’m imperfectly, perfect and that my feelings are valid. Nothing is wrong with me.
I believe Jose walking in that room was suppose to happen as a choice in my life. And I ran through that door to the life I chose.

Also that Phoenix Summer heat tho.

Generation LatinX

For a long time, I’ve always felt other or not enough. Even moving to a city like Chicago, I often felt that I needed to fit a mold of funny or I wouldn’t be picked. It wasn’t until I met the women of Matt Damon Improv and Crimson Wave where I started realizing that my feelings were valid and I didn’t need to be anyone but myself. It was then I started seeing the success I wanted and creating the art I wanted to be a part of. All by just being myself. Along with it, certaib opportunities came my way that I never expected from just being me. One of which is being asked to be one of the directors for Generation LatinX. The show is an all Latinx cast doing the Armando, and being the best versions of themselves.

I am very proud to be a part of this show, Tuesdays starting in October, 10pm at iO Chicago. Below is an interview I did to promote the show where I talk about being Mexican, our portrayal in the media, and if you are my ex…your mama gets a shoutout.

An Ode to My Butt: A Poem

We are not always the kindest to ourselves. I know such a hot take. And we can sit here and compare who is worse to their bodies, but that wouldn’t be productive now would it? All I know is how I feel about mine, especially now. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been…give or take 10lbs. It really sucks because I run everyday, eat mostly right, but mother nature and some lovely medication keep the weight everywhere I don’t want it to be.

So sometimes it’s really hard to love your body in a state you don’t always like. And sometimes, you just got to shout it so you believe it. We are blessed with our bodies and a short time to enjoy them. I am preaching to myself, but I want to celebrate our beautiful bodies and I don’t really care if you don’t like it.

Below is a video from a show I did called Sex Positive. It’s one of my favorite shows in the city, and I am honored I got to share my piece on this stage.