Poem

If I Choose to Love You

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

If I choose to love you

I would be making the worse choice of my life.

I would choose to one day have you hurt me

Leave me for someone new

Break my heart a part

To a jigsaw puzzle that can never be put together…

Even with glue

You would take me away from my hopes and dreams

And ruin me forever

And yes forever, forever

My love would be the most damaged

As I would be forever in ICU waiting for your breathe to become mine.

If I choose to love you.

If I choose to love you.

I would be making the best choice of my life.

We could be birds together

Not like some dumb pigeons, but like some badass eagles that sour at all hours

We could dance like the whole world is watching, but it’s only us.

We’d stare at skylines and stars and wonder what life might be like

Our children would hopefully have your eyes and flow

But my hair and personality…

Wait maybe your personality because I don’t know if I could handle another me like you can.

I would wake up next to you

And kiss you in the middle of the night.

My favorite moments of each day would be to laugh with you

And say damn at all the moments.

I would love you at your most damaged.

And your breathe would become mine.

If I choose to love you.

The funny thing is…you don’t get to choose who you love.

For timing is always off

As love isn’t on time and probably running on CP time.

And love is never when you want it.

If love was a choice, I wouldn’t choose to love you as you’re so difficult

I could choose an easy love.

One I never worried or wished you got your shit together.

As my love for you isn’t something I can stop or choose to start.

As it hurts worse than the time I broke my hand on a mountain

Every time I see the light or it maybe having smooth sailing.

Loving you would never be easy, but maybe I love you as the worst and best of it all.

But what I can choose is me

And whether I want you a part of me.

Snapshot of Heartbreak Told in 5 Parts

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

Part 1

And in that moment,
I knew everything changed
A “one time thing”
Would lead to patterns of more
If I let it.
That my voice would continued to be silenced if I continued my pattern.
I decided to let go
As being selfish was needed
As the ultimate act of self care.

Part 2

I miss you most on rainy days
As the rain washes away all
Except you.

Part 3

I sometimes wish your soul was who I thought you actually were.
Perhaps it would hurt less to know that you believed you made a mistake instead of blaming me.
Maybe then I would stop thinking about you as often.

Part 4

It hit me on my walk home tonight
That I’m chasing a ghost of who
I would like you to be
But not how you are.
I’m chasing a hope of potential
And not the reality that is you now
And while love is worth taking a risk on
I worry the risk and reward won’t match
That you have such a hard bar to jump
Over the bar I set
That you’ll never reach it
I don’t know if anyone could
For I put expectations on you
That you are not aware ever existed
No wonder you disappoint me.
You never had a chance.

Part 5

I release you into the wild
With only but our memories remain
I am sorry I couldn’t be the pedestal
In which you thought I owned
But I am sorry you never got to know the real me.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

/ Maria Konopken / 1 Comment

In case you needed a reminder

Let me make it clear

I will not be silence

I am not a supporting actress

I am not your toy

And I am not your puppet

If I ever gave you that impression or the feel that you had such power

Then please understand the following

I am the author

Producer

And director of my own story

You opinions do not help, make me better, or smooth my anxiety

They instead cause damage

Build walls

And while you think you are stopping hate

You are only spreading it like smooth peanut butter on some dry ass toast

You are not worth adding wrinkles to my head or causing tears to fall from my eyes.

And you do not pay rent to occupy my mind.

And if you wanted to, you can’t afford me.

While you try to silence me

And others with differing opinions

Let me make it clear

You would be lucky if you’re even a footnote in my life story

Chicago Weather

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My love for you is unpredictable as Chicago weather.

Sometimes I look forward to seeing you, and sometimes I can’t wait to move away.

I talk about you like summer as the best thing, but then get mad when you repeat the same blizzard year after year.

I remember the good times of Super Bowls and Championships.

But forget the 108 years of heartache.

I eat you up like pizza and Garret’s popcorn.

But hate that you never put spices on anything. Like ever.

I wish I could always run on the lake path of your heart.

Instead of fearing that I’ll slip on black ice.

I should probably move to LA, but LA doesn’t have your heart and spirit.

LA is too predictable.

And maybe I like Chicago weather.

The Minority

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

I wish she wasn’t a trigger

I wish every time I saw her I don’t imagine her death

I wish I could I admit that I was in love with you

Instead of high five you for your latest conquest

I wish you choose me…every time

And not only because I’m present

I wish Father Time stopped playing games

I wish we stopped playing games.

I hate that I love you

And that I compare every man to you.

I hate being in love with the idea of you

Instead of the actual you.

I hate that you don’t have your shit together

I wish you had your shit together

I wish when you do, that you’ll choose me

I hate that I know you won’t

And that you’ll choose another her

That her type is the prize

And that I’ll never be.

The Affair

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

And when our lips touched

I knew it was over

Over being faithful

Over saying he is the only one

Over saying to him, do you trust me?

Because in this moment

In the moment of electronic fire

I no longer belonged to him

Because my arms wrapped around your neck say you are now mine.

Even for this moment.

As we both know these few days belong to us and us alone, but the minute 8am hits on Monday, you are back on a plane and I am here

Here with the smell of your cologne

Mixed with coconut oil sweat still on my pillow and my body.

We wouldn’t work in the real world

We say as a way to protect our hearts that live close by while our bodies live far.

But for a weekend, your body is pressed against mine and I can hear your heartbeat.

It makes the sound of a 90s r&b love song

And when I forget the words, you are here right now for me to listen instead of imagine what it might be.

I kiss your chest to remix the song and you pull my chin up.

I love you you say.

Your lips

The softness of your skin

The beautiful soul that makes me a better man you say.

Your soul makes me complete I want to say.

I want to say leave your home, and we can create one filled with butterflies and orange trees.

I know they don’t grow in the city, but with you anything is possible.

I kiss you with a mascara tear rolling down my face.

A tear full of happiness, sadness, and my love for you.

I want to take a video of this moment and play it over and over instead of the memory I may remember of this and the memory of you leaving.

As the moment you leave, the dream we built becomes a fantasy

And then it’s truly over.

For I am left with but a memory of the insecurity of us.

Setting the Bar

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

It hit me on my walk home tonight

That I’m chasing a ghost of who

I would like you to be

But not how you are

I’m chasing a hope of potential

And not the reality that is you now

And while Love is worth taking a risk on

I worry the risk and reward won’t match

That you have such a hard bar to jump

Over the bar I set

That you’ll never reach it

I don’t know if anyone could

For I put expectations on you

That you are not aware ever existed

No wonder you disappoint me.

You never had a chance.

Loud Noises

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

So Many Voices

Getting louder and louder

Loud Noises

Trying to rise above

Forgetting that we are people

Forgetting that we are more than what is on a census

Forgetting that they are not an expert in everything

Scream with voice

Scream as they type

Scream with their fist in the air

But silent when they see or feel microaggressions

Silent when their fellow person needs help when their voice has been silence

Silent when comes to doing the work

But are the first to speak up when they have no part in the conversation

Instead of listening to those that live it

With different experiences

Different thoughts

And different motivators

Not able to admit when they don’t know everything

Not able to admit that this is not their experience

Not able to admit when they are wrong

That although they may be oppressed as well, their oppression is different

We are not all the “American Boy” prototype

With Khaki pants and a polo shirt for sure

However their differences and mine and your differences do not make us the experts in understanding all

But as the loud noises

get louder and louder

They continue to believe they are like

Clarissa and know it all

Instead of working to understand

Instead of working to silent

And instead of working to listen

They choose to scream to prove a point that is already gone

And click and tap and push on their hate and insecurities to flame a gaslight

Loud noises

Getting louder and louder

But say nothing

Desert Sun

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My desert sun

I’m sorry I was gone for so long

I didn’t mean to hurt you

And leave high and dry

But It’s easier to hide in the snow

Easier to write

Easier to hang up the phone

Easier to hide from you

The you that sees me when I’m in pain

As clothes make me sweat in the

desert sun

However, in the snow I can hide under layers of protection

Protecting me from the evils in my mind

Protecting me from my old heartache

Protecting me from issues I tired to leave in the desert, but followed me to the snow

However, as the snow melted in the desert sun, I am left to face and shed my layers

Answering questions I tried to avoid

Seeing faces similar to mine

And visiting the sun rays of the desert that I forever missed, but avoid seeing

It may have been months, but you, the desert sun, can always center me and remind of the dirt, cacti, and mountains I come from.

It’s you, the desert the sun, that remind me the dirt in the snow ain’t shit.

That I can be my own desert sun if I stop and breathe the memory and feels of you.

That the mystical power of the desert sun pushes me forward and beyond the icy streets that I love, but are only the branches that grow from your roots

My desert sun

Supporting Actress

/ Maria Konopken / 2 Comments

As I try to move on?

My stomach still does flips when I see a picture of you.

As much as I wished you didn’t look good in that blue shirt…

Ooo honey I want to go swimming in that shirt and you.

But as you lay confused in the middle of the road, I try to move on, as I do not have time to wait and hope you get it together.

By you not making a decision, you are making the choice to lose me instead of exploring what could be amazing.

As I try to get over you.

The anticipation that I might see you builds, and then is met with relief and disappointment when you’re not there.

I really don’t know how to act around you as one part of me wants to be your friend, but the other part wants to rip your clothes off in the middle of this room

As I try to get over you.

My heart breaks moment by moment

Piece by piece

As I realize my feelings ran or run deeper than the river you wrote about in that note to me.

I am left wondering, why not me?

What was it about me?

But maybe it wasn’t me.

It was you

As I leave and pack up the space where our feelings were kept,I break down and cry

Wishing this journey didn’t end with a fork in the middle of it where I had to decide to leave the possibility of the greatness of you and I for the reality that may never be me that you choose once you get it together.

I am more than a supporting actress in your rom com.

I am directing my own life movie

And right now you are being recast.

As I try to get over you.