poetry

If I Choose to Love You

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

If I choose to love you

I would be making the worse choice of my life.

I would choose to one day have you hurt me

Leave me for someone new

Break my heart a part

To a jigsaw puzzle that can never be put together…

Even with glue

You would take me away from my hopes and dreams

And ruin me forever

And yes forever, forever

My love would be the most damaged

As I would be forever in ICU waiting for your breathe to become mine.

If I choose to love you.

If I choose to love you.

I would be making the best choice of my life.

We could be birds together

Not like some dumb pigeons, but like some badass eagles that sour at all hours

We could dance like the whole world is watching, but it’s only us.

We’d stare at skylines and stars and wonder what life might be like

Our children would hopefully have your eyes and flow

But my hair and personality…

Wait maybe your personality because I don’t know if I could handle another me like you can.

I would wake up next to you

And kiss you in the middle of the night.

My favorite moments of each day would be to laugh with you

And say damn at all the moments.

I would love you at your most damaged.

And your breathe would become mine.

If I choose to love you.

The funny thing is…you don’t get to choose who you love.

For timing is always off

As love isn’t on time and probably running on CP time.

And love is never when you want it.

If love was a choice, I wouldn’t choose to love you as you’re so difficult

I could choose an easy love.

One I never worried or wished you got your shit together.

As my love for you isn’t something I can stop or choose to start.

As it hurts worse than the time I broke my hand on a mountain

Every time I see the light or it maybe having smooth sailing.

Loving you would never be easy, but maybe I love you as the worst and best of it all.

But what I can choose is me

And whether I want you a part of me.

Snapshot of Heartbreak Told in 5 Parts

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

Part 1

And in that moment,
I knew everything changed
A “one time thing”
Would lead to patterns of more
If I let it.
That my voice would continued to be silenced if I continued my pattern.
I decided to let go
As being selfish was needed
As the ultimate act of self care.

Part 2

I miss you most on rainy days
As the rain washes away all
Except you.

Part 3

I sometimes wish your soul was who I thought you actually were.
Perhaps it would hurt less to know that you believed you made a mistake instead of blaming me.
Maybe then I would stop thinking about you as often.

Part 4

It hit me on my walk home tonight
That I’m chasing a ghost of who
I would like you to be
But not how you are.
I’m chasing a hope of potential
And not the reality that is you now
And while love is worth taking a risk on
I worry the risk and reward won’t match
That you have such a hard bar to jump
Over the bar I set
That you’ll never reach it
I don’t know if anyone could
For I put expectations on you
That you are not aware ever existed
No wonder you disappoint me.
You never had a chance.

Part 5

I release you into the wild
With only but our memories remain
I am sorry I couldn’t be the pedestal
In which you thought I owned
But I am sorry you never got to know the real me.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

/ Maria Konopken / 1 Comment

In case you needed a reminder

Let me make it clear

I will not be silence

I am not a supporting actress

I am not your toy

And I am not your puppet

If I ever gave you that impression or the feel that you had such power

Then please understand the following

I am the author

Producer

And director of my own story

You opinions do not help, make me better, or smooth my anxiety

They instead cause damage

Build walls

And while you think you are stopping hate

You are only spreading it like smooth peanut butter on some dry ass toast

You are not worth adding wrinkles to my head or causing tears to fall from my eyes.

And you do not pay rent to occupy my mind.

And if you wanted to, you can’t afford me.

While you try to silence me

And others with differing opinions

Let me make it clear

You would be lucky if you’re even a footnote in my life story

The Affair

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

And when our lips touched

I knew it was over

Over being faithful

Over saying he is the only one

Over saying to him, do you trust me?

Because in this moment

In the moment of electronic fire

I no longer belonged to him

Because my arms wrapped around your neck say you are now mine.

Even for this moment.

As we both know these few days belong to us and us alone, but the minute 8am hits on Monday, you are back on a plane and I am here

Here with the smell of your cologne

Mixed with coconut oil sweat still on my pillow and my body.

We wouldn’t work in the real world

We say as a way to protect our hearts that live close by while our bodies live far.

But for a weekend, your body is pressed against mine and I can hear your heartbeat.

It makes the sound of a 90s r&b love song

And when I forget the words, you are here right now for me to listen instead of imagine what it might be.

I kiss your chest to remix the song and you pull my chin up.

I love you you say.

Your lips

The softness of your skin

The beautiful soul that makes me a better man you say.

Your soul makes me complete I want to say.

I want to say leave your home, and we can create one filled with butterflies and orange trees.

I know they don’t grow in the city, but with you anything is possible.

I kiss you with a mascara tear rolling down my face.

A tear full of happiness, sadness, and my love for you.

I want to take a video of this moment and play it over and over instead of the memory I may remember of this and the memory of you leaving.

As the moment you leave, the dream we built becomes a fantasy

And then it’s truly over.

For I am left with but a memory of the insecurity of us.

Setting the Bar

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

It hit me on my walk home tonight

That I’m chasing a ghost of who

I would like you to be

But not how you are

I’m chasing a hope of potential

And not the reality that is you now

And while Love is worth taking a risk on

I worry the risk and reward won’t match

That you have such a hard bar to jump

Over the bar I set

That you’ll never reach it

I don’t know if anyone could

For I put expectations on you

That you are not aware ever existed

No wonder you disappoint me.

You never had a chance.

My Shield

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

When I step on the scale
I try to play tricks
If I stand on one foot
If I stand on the side

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll weigh less
Maybe, just maybe, that number will validate me
Maybe, just maybe, I’ll feel better

About the shield of a body that has few protective layers
Layers that make it the strongest, yet weakest
This imperfectly, perfect body of mine

This layer for when I was bigger than all the girls in my class
This layer for when I wasn’t Mexican or White enough to sit or play with you
This layer for when my boyfriend didn’t take no for an answer
And I confused it for love
And this layer for the self-hate I tell myself in my darkest moments
Yet, smile through

It’s a shield that brings people in, but stops them from getting too close
But then gets mad when the boy I’m dating stops calling, gets engaged, and has a baby by a woman out of no where

It’s the loneliest of shields
But sometimes it can be the best of shields
This imperfectly, perfect body of mine

I’ll never not be the bigger girl
But I got hair and body that many pay millions to a plastic surgeon for
The scars on my knee from two knee surgery
Show my warrior spirit
The nose I got from the Queen of my Nana, that I once called a witch nose
Show the spirts that guide me

And this butt of mine
I’ll sometimes catch it in a mirror and ask myself
“Girl, have you been doing squats?”

The shield of my body
Has a few colorful layers
That make it weak and strong

This layer can talk to anyone
This layer loves the sound of her feet when she runs
This layer got herself a Masters degree
This layer moved across the country with a home or a job for the dream of laughs

My shield, while dented and imperfectly perfect, is the only shield I got
And while I’ll pick and tear it a part
Shows my journey more than any number on scale will

This shield of mine has protective and color layers
Imperfectly, Perfect
Strong and weak

This shield is me.

 

 

Desert Sun

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

My desert sun

I’m sorry I was gone for so long

I didn’t mean to hurt you

And leave high and dry

But It’s easier to hide in the snow

Easier to write

Easier to hang up the phone

Easier to hide from you

The you that sees me when I’m in pain

As clothes make me sweat in the

desert sun

However, in the snow I can hide under layers of protection

Protecting me from the evils in my mind

Protecting me from my old heartache

Protecting me from issues I tired to leave in the desert, but followed me to the snow

However, as the snow melted in the desert sun, I am left to face and shed my layers

Answering questions I tried to avoid

Seeing faces similar to mine

And visiting the sun rays of the desert that I forever missed, but avoid seeing

It may have been months, but you, the desert sun, can always center me and remind of the dirt, cacti, and mountains I come from.

It’s you, the desert the sun, that remind me the dirt in the snow ain’t shit.

That I can be my own desert sun if I stop and breathe the memory and feels of you.

That the mystical power of the desert sun pushes me forward and beyond the icy streets that I love, but are only the branches that grow from your roots

My desert sun

Supporting Actress

/ Maria Konopken / 2 Comments

As I try to move on?

My stomach still does flips when I see a picture of you.

As much as I wished you didn’t look good in that blue shirt…

Ooo honey I want to go swimming in that shirt and you.

But as you lay confused in the middle of the road, I try to move on, as I do not have time to wait and hope you get it together.

By you not making a decision, you are making the choice to lose me instead of exploring what could be amazing.

As I try to get over you.

The anticipation that I might see you builds, and then is met with relief and disappointment when you’re not there.

I really don’t know how to act around you as one part of me wants to be your friend, but the other part wants to rip your clothes off in the middle of this room

As I try to get over you.

My heart breaks moment by moment

Piece by piece

As I realize my feelings ran or run deeper than the river you wrote about in that note to me.

I am left wondering, why not me?

What was it about me?

But maybe it wasn’t me.

It was you

As I leave and pack up the space where our feelings were kept,I break down and cry

Wishing this journey didn’t end with a fork in the middle of it where I had to decide to leave the possibility of the greatness of you and I for the reality that may never be me that you choose once you get it together.

I am more than a supporting actress in your rom com.

I am directing my own life movie

And right now you are being recast.

As I try to get over you.

An Ode to My Butt: A Poem

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

We are not always the kindest to ourselves. I know such a hot take. And we can sit here and compare who is worse to their bodies, but that wouldn’t be productive now would it? All I know is how I feel about mine, especially now. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been…give or take 10lbs. It really sucks because I run everyday, eat mostly right, but mother nature and some lovely medication keep the weight everywhere I don’t want it to be.

So sometimes it’s really hard to love your body in a state you don’t always like. And sometimes, you just got to shout it so you believe it. We are blessed with our bodies and a short time to enjoy them. I am preaching to myself, but I want to celebrate our beautiful bodies and I don’t really care if you don’t like it.

Below is a video from a show I did called Sex Positive. It’s one of my favorite shows in the city, and I am honored I got to share my piece on this stage.

Why Windy Cactus?

/ Maria Konopken / Leave a comment

Hi! You may not know me unless your my mom who found my blog or my roommate who I am reading this to, but allow me to reintroduce myself.

My name is Maria, and I am proud 30 something woman of color. I’ve been living in Chicago for about three years, and originally from Mesa, Arizona. I tell everyone Phoenix because it’s easier than explaining where Mesa is unless you’re a Chicago Cubs fan. I am currently employed with a 9 to 5 job, and a performer at night with improv, sketch, storytelling, and poetry. You could call that part of my life my 6 to 12 job that fills my passion, but doesn’t pay. It’s a glass half full, bank half empty type of thing.

If you figured out the spoiler of why I called this blog Windy Cactus, then you know it’s a take on the Chicago nickname of the “Windy City” and a symbol of Arizona. If I had to tell you, no worries… you still hold a special place in my heart. I also came up with the name while eating Gluten Free pizza at Giordano’s so take that as you will.

But why a blog? I don’t have the one reason why, but mainly I wanted to provide a sample of everyday life for trying to “make” it as a woman of color. What does “make” it mean? I am not entirely sure, but maybe happiness? But then that’s so vague too.

All I know is I am the ambitious one trying to be happy and excited about her accomplishments. It’s a weird fault of mine to not be happy right now, but looking at what else can we do. I feel often the ambitious person achieves a goal, and moves onto the next big thing. The biggest faults of the ambitious person? Not being able to live within their accomplishments and being proud of themselves for too long. I feel for many people, but especially people of color, being proud for too long is viewed as a negative. That we must keep moving as the struggle can be oh too real.

So what things will I want to write about? The excited side is thinking all the things like body positivity, mental health,  dating, comedy, running, and where I can find time to nap. The strategic side is like let’s focus, man. And I think both are right and valid and will give the full picture.

So here goes all the things.